Sibling guide
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The short answer
Brothers and sisters carry more of this than adults notice.
The first part of this page is written to read with a child. The second part is for you.
The numbers, up front
- Why siblings need information
- Children fill silence with explanations of their own, and those are usually worse than the truth 1
- What they often believe
- That they caused it, that it is catching, or that they must be perfect to make up for it. Say the opposite out loud 1
- Where they struggle first
- Often at school rather than at home, which is why telling the school matters 2
- Respite helps siblings too
- Respite care creates the time that lets a parent be with a sibling on their own 3
For the child: some things that are true
You did not cause this. Nothing you did, said, thought or wished made this happen. Not even the time you were cross.
You cannot catch it. It is not like a cold.
It is okay to feel more than one thing. You can love your brother or sister and also feel fed up, jealous, sad, embarrassed or angry. All of those are normal and none of them make you a bad person.
It is not your job to look after them. Helping sometimes is fine. Being in charge is not your job.
You are allowed to have your own life. Your friends, your sports, your bad days. Those still count.
You can ask anything. Nothing is too rude or too silly. If a grown-up looks sad when you ask, it is because of the question, not because of you.
Some questions you might have
For the child: things that help
- Having a grown-up who is yours for a bit, even for half an hour.
- Knowing what is happening, in words that make sense.
- Having somewhere to put the big feelings: drawing, running, writing, telling someone.
- Knowing who to go to when you are not okay.
People I can talk to
For parents: what siblings carry
They notice everything. Including things you thought you hid.
They often become very good. Children who sense that their parents are stretched frequently stop asking for anything. That is a cost, not a relief.
They may regress or get angry. Both are communication.
They worry about things you have not thought of. Whether it will happen to them. Whether you will die. Whether they have to be the carer one day.
They often struggle at school before they show anything at home. Tell the school. 2
For parents: what helps
- Give information at their level, and update it as they get older
- Say plainly that they did not cause it and cannot catch it
- Protect small, regular time that is theirs. Small and regular beats large and rare
- Let them opt out of caring tasks without guilt
- Tell their school what is going on 2
- Find them other siblings in the same position, through a local group 4
- Use respite so you can be with them on their own 3
- Let them be angry sometimes without correcting it
One thing I will do this month
Where these facts come from
- National Institute of Mental Health. Perinatal Depression. 2024. www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/perinatal-depression. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- U.S. Government Publishing Office, Electronic Code of Federal Regulations. 34 CFR Part 300, Assistance to States for the Education of Children with Disabilities. 2025. www.ecfr.gov/current/title-34/subtitle-B/chapter-III/part-30. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- ARCH National Respite Network. National Respite Locator Service. 2025. archrespite.org/respitelocator/. Link checked September 3, 2026.
- The Arc of the United States. Find a Local Chapter. 2025. thearc.org/find-a-chapter/. Link checked September 3, 2026.